Category: Joke Board
CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a
long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship
with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever.
With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys
don't really grasp what women mean by the term "relationship."
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good
time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they
enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and
after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by
our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some
kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And
Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking:
But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either.
Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to
think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really
even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ...
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer...
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from
our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has
sensed--even before I sensed it--that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still
not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and
this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid
those incompetent thieves $600.
COMMUNICATIONS GAP
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. Gosh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for
a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting
right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with,
a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care
about me. A person who is in pain because of my schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a gosh darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it
right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh
Gosh, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.
I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine
says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really
feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to
his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the
far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he
would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding
world hunger.)
IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight
hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said
and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring
every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning,
considering every possible ramification. They will continue to
discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it,
either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown,
and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking
about different planets, in completely different solar systems.
Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their
relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a
duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular
topic is as follows:
Huh?
But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you
want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to
remember is:
... Continued in next post
1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a
relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have
to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle
references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:
-- "Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we
have a relationship?"
-- "Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a
relationship! You and I do, I mean."
-- "Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our
fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we
have a relationship!"
-- "Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have
only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a
wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a
relationship."
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and
eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he
might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking
with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say,
"Elaine and I, we have, ummm... We have, ahhh... We... We have
this thing." And he will sincerely mean it.
The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By "hasty," I
mean, "within your lifetime." Guys are extremely reluctant to make
commitments. This is because they never feel ready.
"I'm sorry," guys are always telling women, "but I'm just not ready
to make a commitment." Guys are in a permanent state of
nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a
350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in
time for Thanksgiving.
Ugh! I titled this wrong -- as in, I didn't give it a title. This is by Dave Barry, and it's called:
She's Looking for a Relationship, He's Lost in Transmission
lmao
That may be the case about the turkey in the oven, but You could fuck a woman with a diamond dick, and she still wouldn't be satisfied.
Men know when they're in relationships, but they just don't want to acknowledge it, because for most, it's the biggest mistake they've ever made. A woman can point it out everyday and be as persistent as a catipillar is when trying to escape a cacoon, but it will only make him even more miserable. What an annoying bitch!
For most men in a relationship, his number one goal is either to get on her nerves as much as possible until she files for divorce, or just make the nag shut the hell up! The last thing someone needs is for any person to bring up the same damn bad news everyday. lol! I'm don ranting.
lmaooo i love this, omg seriously!
"Elaine and I, we have, ummm... We have, ahhh... We... We have
this thing." And he will sincerely mean it.
that killed me for some reason, lmao